A bit odd don’t you think?  Christmas, as I recall, is usually held on December 25 and it seems that most Christmas parties take place in the few weeks leading up to that date.

This Christmas party was somewhat different. This was a party being held in the condominium building where my wife and I live.

We live in a complex which consists of two high-rises with a total of 230 suites and approximately 500 residents.

The purpose of this Christmas party was twofold. A year ago at Christmas time the condo had its first ever Christmas party for residents. This year during the month of December the area in which parties are held was under construction as a new gym was being built for the benefit of all residents.

I am a member of the condo board and we decided to defer the Christmas party until sometime in January when we could belatedly celebrate Christmas with all residents as well as showcase our magnificent new gym.

At least that was the story that I shared with my fellow board members when we discussed these events several months ago.

 I had a third reason for promoting this party and encouraging as many residents as possible to attend.

Several months ago I read an eye-opening article on the changing dynamics of neighborhood communities.

The researchers, operating in several cities across North America, ventured into residential neighborhoods, knocked on doors and asked people how well they knew their neighbors.

It seems the answer to that question was, “not well at all.”

The research highlighted a rather troubling piece of information.

They asked people how well they knew their neighbors on either side of their house, two doors down, three doors down, across the street etc.

Not surprisingly, the further away their neighbors lived, the less likely it was that they had even met them. The real disturbing piece of information was that some 20% of those interviewed him acknowledged that they did not know the neighbors on either side of their house even when those neighbors had lived next door to them for as long as five years.

A further 35% said that theywhile they did know the names of their neighbors, they had only a nodding relationship with them whenever they saw them and that they had never visited the neighbor’s home or had them over to theirs.

They then turned their attention to high-rise residential buildings. They sought those that had an average of six suites per floor and asked people living in those buildings the same questions; how well they knew their neighbors.

They expected, because of the close proximity of suites to each other and the relative smallness of the common areas – the hallways, elevators, lobbies and parking stalls – that people in high-rises would be better acquainted with their neighbors.

They were wrong. Their research found that  more than fifteen percent of people did not know the names of their next-door neighbor even though they saw them an average of twice a week in the hallways and elevators. Twenty-two percent admitted knowing the names of their neighbors but had no other knowledge of them and had never socialized or interacted with them in any way at all.

Only nineteen percent said that they knew their neighbors well, and that they interacted with them an average of once each month.

Four percent, a rather low number, said they knew their neighbors really well and were comfortable exchanging services with them, like leaving the mailbox keys with their neighbors when away on vacation have or leaving their pets in their neighbour’s care.

And so my third reason for wanting the party was to encourage a mindset of converting our condo from a cold clinical building that houses 500 people of many races, creeds and languages, living closely together in stony isolation, to a community of folks who know ,respect and lookout for each other.

We have had social functions before and they have always been fairly successful. This one was different. I approached two of our board members and asked them, along with me, to introduce ourselves to as many people as possible during the course of the evening and then to introduce those people to as many other people as possible.

So for three of us this was to be an evening of hard work. And work hard we did. And we met a lot of new people – approximately one hundred and forty people attended our party – and at some point during the evening I spoke with each one of them as did my colleagues. And we introduced neighbor to neighbor throughout the evening.

And even though this was just a beginning, over the span of a few short hours, a few interesting things happened.

Two people mentioned to me that as a result of meeting each other they were going to be gym partners and work out together several times each week. 

Two others discovered they had friends in common and during the course of that evening called those friends and arranged a dinner out in the next several weeks.

Other folks agreed to meet with us over the weekend for a tour of the building so that they could see firsthand how a building as large as ours is maintained and we are going to walk them through the boiler rooms and mechanical rooms so they can have an understanding of how their home actually functions.

Perhaps most importantly we have agreed, with the backing of several dozen people, to have more of these functions and so as a condo board we will turn our attention to trying to arrange some kind of function of this nature on a semi-regular basis.

In fact, three of residents, strangers before the evening began, decided to work together and organize another building get-together towards the end of March.

The article I read was the catalyst to my motivation for wanting these parties, but another reason had developed several months prior.

A resident had knocked on my door shortly after midnight to tell me that someone had parked their car in his parking stall.

He told me that the car belonged to his next-door neighbor, a new resident in the building, who probably had parked in the wrong stall by mistake.

And would I please go and talk to the neighbour?

I asked him what I thought to be an obvious question; why didn’t he knock on the neighbour’s door and ask him to move his vehicle.

Or better yet, considering it was past midnight, why didn’t he simply park his car in his neighbours stall and discuss the matter with him in the morning.

He told me that he was not comfortable knocking on his neighbor’s door, had never met him and was not sure what the reaction would be.

He felt, that as a member of our condo board, I should do this for him.

I told him that this issue involved him, his neighbour, his car and his parking stall and pointed out that I was not a part of this story.

I suggested that he wait until morning and then introduce himself to his neighbour and, perhaps in so doing, make himself a new friend.

He told me that it was my job as a condo board member to resolve this for him and if I wouldn’t do it he was going to call the police and ask them to talk to his neighbour.

Call the police?

Yikes!

What have we become?

I’m not sure how this matter ended but it did make me wonder what it is that prevents us from knocking on our neighbors doors when we have a question to ask of them.

It seems to me that the whole notion of neighborhoods – communities – as they once were, are in a sad state of decline and that we are in danger of losing something of immense value.

 There was a time in very recent history, when we all knew our neighbors. We visited with them, the kids all played together, and everyone looked out for each other.

Sadly we have moved away from this togetherness. Many neighbourhoods have simply become geographic demarcations where strangers live in close proximity.

The article I was reading some mentioned a few other interesting points.

In those few neighborhoods canvassed by the researchers where residents did seem to know their neighbors well, knew the neighbors several houses down from either side of their property and knew many of the neighbors across the street; where there were somewhat regular neighborhood functions, block parties, street games for the kids, and a strong sense of community, the researchers noticed that there was a corresponding lack of conflict between neighbours.  

And when they checked with the local police they learned that those neighborhoods seemed to enjoy significantly lower crime rates than others in the city is, principally because neighbors were more aware of unusual activity in the neighborhood and would call the police whenever they noticed suspicious activities.

People living in neighborhoods without that neighbor-to-neighbor closeness – without a tight sense of community – generically did not pay as much attention to anything that appeared to be out of place or, if they did notice unusual activity, they tended to ignore it.

I believe we will build better societies if we go back to the days when neighborhoods and high-rise building were indeed communities.

And we all knew each other.

And looked out for each other.

And were willing to get involved when necessary.

What’s the worst that can happen if we did that?

Perhaps end up with a whole bunch of new friends?

Would that be so bad?

I’m not sure so I’m going to ask my neighbours what they think of this idea.

And tell them to park their own damn cars in their own damn stalls

Before I call the police.

Till we read again.

Dictionary.com defines it as meaning: 1. To come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash:. 2. To fight or contend; do battle.

And there’s even a sad truth around this word – it’s everywhere.

And so it came as no surprise when a young lady in whose company I had done some work several years ago dropped by the office for a visit a couple of weeks back.

She wanted to talk about some of the “issues” she was having with a co-worker.

It seems that “everyone” in her department was having the exact same issues.

And nobody quite knew what to do about it.

She told me that not a day went by when a co-worker did not approach her to discuss their ongoing challenges in being around, and working with, this particular individual.

And it was getting worse and worse and worse.

Did I have any suggestions? 

And so I decided to ask a few questions.

It seemed to me that several, or many people in the office were spending time during their days talking about this particular employee and the issues they were having with her.

They did not appear to have any difficulty in talking about these issues among themselves.

 So my first question was this: “Has anyone talked with her about their concerns?”

The answer was a startled “No, of course not.”

It seems that no one was willing to approach her because she was “unreasonable, judgemental, stubborn, unapproachable, and unwilling to change.”

My next question was, “and how do you know this?”

“Everybody knows that,” she informed me.

And I asked again “and everyone knows that, how?”

“It’s because of how she acts all the time, we just know.”

And what are you, and/or the others going to do?”

“Probably nothing, we don’t want to hurt her feelings, but it’s so frustrating.”

 It seems that I have this conversation all too often.

What is it about these types of situations that causes so much discomfort in so many of us?

I think it’s because most of us have never really learned how to deal with these types of issues.

What this lady was practicing was a very common, and much practised behavior called conflict aversion.

Simply put, this means that we will frequently go to great lengths to avoid dealing with a situation, in the hope that it will either resolve itself or disappear completely.

Unfortunately, all too often, the desired result does not appear. Instead what happens is that the “issue” grows over time, festers, and becomes bigger and bigger.

And the external conflict we are averting is producing a far greater, gut grinding inner conflict that frequently causes us massive discomfort.

And then very often, when it reaches a point where we “can’t take it anymore” then, and only then, do we attempt to address it. And we frequently do so through the distorted prism of anger, fury and even rage.

Not a particularly powerful strategy, is it?

So why do we do this?

Perhaps it would be helpful if, at an early age, we were taught how to deal with these types of situations in a more appropriate, and positive manner because for many of us the potential for conflict, large or small, is omnipresent and constant adoption of these aversion techniques may well cause us years of needless grief and stress.

It seems to me that if we have an “issue” with another person it is naive of us to expect any form of positive resolution will come about by sharing our frustration with another person or with multiple people.

This frequently chosen behaviour of ours is also known by another name – whining.

Rather, I think, the best thing for us to do would be to approach the other person in a respectful manner and ask if they would be willing to take some time to discuss a problem or concern that we have with them.

And it makes even more sense to me that we should, during that meeting, invest our time wisely by talking with them about the behaviours of theirs – what they are doing or saying –  that we find disturbing, and not talking to them about how “their behaviour makes us feel.”

Because all we can reasonably hope for from this meeting is that they will acknowledge that their behavior is of concern to us and that they will be willing, along with us, to brainstorm ideas of how we may interact differently, select one or more of those behaviours or activities that we both agree on and then further agree to implement them so that we can each walk away from this meeting with a positive sense of having accomplished something useful and valuable.

And hopefully even salvage a relationship. Possibly even cause a dying friendship to bloom again.

The lady I was referring to earlier did not seem to view this as a viable strategy. In fact she thought the whole process was a pretty poor idea.

And she left my office completely dissatisfied.

Probably ticked off too.

Can you believe that? Can you believe she would treat me that way?

After all I have done for her.

It’s not right.

I don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Somebody should do something about it.

Oh, and please don’t tell her I said anything.

Till we read again.

http://actionablebooks.com/summaries/life-sinks-or-soars/

http://www.selfconnection.ca/index.php?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage_book.tpl&product_id=36486&category_id=162&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=2

http://www.raelkalley.com/files/Download/Life_Sinks_or_Soars_Prologue3.pdf

My friend’s frustration was born, not so much from incompetent, poor or shoddy work but rather from the repeated excuses being presented to him by the contractor each time he was confronted with any issues or concerns that my friend was experiencing.

For example, he told me how, on numerous occasions, the contractor had promised delivery of certain materials by a certain date and, not once, had those materials arrived on time.

He also told me that he frequently obtained promises from the contractor to do things like have a crew on site at a certain time or return a call with information requested by a certain time and again, displaying remarkable consistency, not once had this person delivered on his commitments.

My friend’s annoyance was compounded by something else. Certainly his frustration was being heightened by these ongoing experiences but what appeared to really be getting under his skin was this contractor’s inability, or unwillingness, to assume any responsibility or ownership for anything that had gone wrong.

 He told me that each time he asked why the promised goods had not arrived or the promised calls had not been made he was deluged with a barrage of justifying reasons and excuses, each of which absolved this contractor of any responsibility.

Not once was he willing to acknowledge any error or mistake on his part but rather, seemed remarkably creative at presenting my friend with reason after reason as to why he had been unable to keep his word.

And my friend had finally reached bursting point. He had had enough. He told me that he would have been more than willing to forgive any delay in work being done or materials not arriving and would have forgiven calls not being returned and promises not kept if only this person had, even once, apologized for his actions.

The final straw – the event that had brought my friend to my office – had taken place earlier that morning.

He had watched with dismay as wallpaper was being hung in his newly drywalled basement.

The person hanging the wallpaper was doing a masterful job but there was just one little problem; it was the wrong wallpaper.

My friend told the tradesperson to take five and immediately called the contractor who told him that he personally had gone to the supplier and picked up the wallpaper and delivered it to the house for hanging. He argued when my friend told him that it was the wrong wallpaper. My friend asked him to come to the house and when the contractor arrived, showed him the sample that he had kept for himself after selecting the wallpaper a few weeks earlier.

Even faced with that overwhelming evidence, it seems the contractor was still unable to accept any responsibility or find within himself the ability or need to acknowledge an error.

He told my friend he was sure that he had picked up the right wallpaper and suggested my friend had, perhaps, mistakenly kept the wrong sample.

And my friend’s head was about to explode.

There is a wonderful old saying that tells us exactly what we need to do when we are in fact the ones at fault.

It goes like this,” Mess up, Fess up, Dress up.”

It really is a simple philosophy.

It means that when you make a mistake – those of you who have never made one please read no further – then own up to your mistake, acknowledge  and apologize for your mistake and do what is necessary to fix the mistake or to make up for what you have done.

And do  it in a way that exceeds expectations.

It doesn’t seem like a particularly complex formula, does it?

And yet it appears not to be  that common a practice.

I remember being in a restaurant with a friend when he bit into his salad and something, perhaps a tiny little pebble, chipped one of his teeth. He called the waiter over to the table and told him what had happened. The waiter disappeared and returned with the manager who pointedly told my friend that they go to great lengths to wash all vegetables prior to placing them in a salad and questioned whether he was sure the tooth was not chipped prior to coming into the restaurant.

Ironically, the owner of this restaurant was a golfing buddy of my friends and several weeks later while they were batting a few balls around together my friend shared his experience with his colleague who was – needless to say – aghast at the response of his store manager.

My friends experience was, unfortunately, not uncommon, and I don’t understand why it is that way?

It seems quite obvious to me.

It has to be far easier, and consume far less energy, to acknowledge our wrongdoings and ask for forgiveness, assume full responsibility and “make good”  than it is to deny responsibility, point fingers elsewhere and somehow believe that we should be trusted and treated as we were prior to our attempts at deception.   

Marriage has taught me the value of “mess up, dress up, fess up.”

In fact, I usually apologize before I actually attempt to do anything.

Kind of like building credits in an account.

I’m kidding. Of course I would apologize to my wife if I made a mistake or did something wrong. It has just  never happened.

But seriously, let’s undertake a second pledge for 2012.

The first one is to make 2012 the Year of Gratitude and Appreciation – the year where we seek out opportunities to acknowledge friends, colleagues and strangers for the good they are doing, the year in which we sincerely tell people how much we appreciate them and the year in which we constantly seek to “catch” others doing things right and then take a moment to thank and praise them.

Not asking a lot is it?

 And if you want to participate all you do is send an email to rael@raelkalley.com with the words “I’m in.”

And you’re in.

So let’s add this one.

Let’s all commit to the doctrine of “Mess up, Fess up, Dress. Let’s agree to take ownership of everything we do wrong and every mistake we make – regardless of the consequences.

Then let’s further commit to fixing what can be fixed, redoing what needs to be redone and over delivering when we make up for what cannot be fixed or redone.

You know the drill. If you wish to commit send me an email at rael@raelkalley.com  with the words “I commit.”

 And you will be committed.

We have slightly over 700 pledgees to the first one. Let’s add another 700 to this one.

What say you?

Till we read again.

P.S. My book Life Sinks or Soars – the Choice is Yours is now available online through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Chapters and Indigo as both a paperback and ebook.  As always,it is also available at Self Connection.

Three times this week I met with people who told me that this was the year in which they were absolutely committed to losing weight and recapturing the shape they had so enjoyed at earlier points on their lives.

One of the three had dropped by the local Tim Horton’s on his way over to meet me and was gleefully dunking the three donuts he had picked up into an extra-large hot chocolate while he was telling me how determined he was, this time, to shed the extra poundage that was creeping around his middle.

“I really, really want to lose 80 pounds,” he told me between slurping sounds and crumb filled gulps, “my goal is to lose 80 pounds by the end of this year.”

I asked a very simple question, “What will losing 80 pounds do for you?”

And he told me. In fact, he told me a story of pain and suffering, spanning more than 25 years of his life.

He told me how battling to keep his weight under control had been the central focus of his life for as long as he could remember, that he had gone on every diet known to man and that now, in his mid-40s, not only was the struggle ongoing but the extra half person he was carrying around with him was adversely contributing to his health and that he was experiencing difficulty walking up stairs, his load bearing joints were constantly painful, his blood pressure was elevated and he was diabetic.

He told me that losing 80 pounds would give him a new lease on life. Losing 80 pounds would ease the pain he was suffering each day and losing 80 pounds would, more than anything, give him back his sense of self-esteem.

And he told me of the years of despondency and self-discipline and kept telling me that he couldn’t take it anymore and he kept repeating his goal of losing 80 pounds this year. That that was what he really wanted.

And being the kind, sensitive and gentle soul that I am, I told him that that was not what he wanted at all.

I told him that, while his goal may be to lose 80 pounds, what he really wanted was what we call “The Prize” and that “The Prize” is what reaching and achieving our goal does for us.

And while I told him that the goal is important, a goal is merely a means to an end, and that if he focuses on the goal there’s a good chance he will simply repeat, yet again, the disappointing weight up/weight down experiences of his past.

I suggested that rather than focus on goal, focus on The Prize and that he ask himself a vitally important question; how important is it to him to win the prize?

How important is it to him, how badly/desperately does he want to feel good about himself, to really feel and reap the benefits of good health, to walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for air and to have joint pain fade away into distant memory?

And I mentioned something else. I suggested that unless it is more important to him to have all of those things then it is to enjoy a hot chocolate and double chocolate donut, and unless it remains more important to him to have all those things then it is to have tomorrow’s hot chocolate, he was destined for a life of breathlessness, stairlessness, increasing pain, high anxiety, low self-esteem and ongoing personal growth – around his middle.

And I asked when he intended to begin this new life, and he said “February.”

And I asked “what’s wrong with today?”

And he said “I’m not quite ready.”

And I asked “why not today?”

And he said “I need a bit more time.”

And I asked “why not right now.”

And he said “okay already, right now.”

And I asked if we could do this together, and if I could share his story. And he said yes we can, and yes I can, but please don’t mention his name.

So we are going to follow his story over the next year.

And we are going to call him Earl.

And for the two of you who have read my book “Life Sinks or Soars – the choice is yours,” you know to whom we are all referring.

I had this conversation with Earl on Tuesday morning. This morning, Saturday, he called and told me how he found a way of making lifestyle choices based on what was important to him in the long term as opposed to what he wanted immediately and further told me proudly that he has lost 2 pounds since our conversation.

Earl’s story is an important lesson for us all. We all have goals and it is really helpful to understand that it is not the achievement of our goals that inspires us to take action - we are driven by what achieving our goals will do for us.

And we really need to focus on what achieving our goals will do for us, for that is truly what we really want.

And we need to want it really, really, really badly.

So badly that the very thought of not having it causes us great pain, because as we have discussed so often on these pages we do what we do in order to gain pleasure or to avoid pain and many of us will work our hardest- become truly motivated – when we are suffering deep pain. We will in fact do anything to make the pain go away.

And Earl told me a funny thing. He told me that when he left my office he went straight to a clothing store and bought a pair of pants, size 34.

He presently is a size 45.

And he told me that as soon as he got home he stood in front of a mirror holding those pants and imagining how he would feel when he could fit into them.

And he told me that how standing in front of that mirror and seeing himself as he is today, brought tears to his eyes as he stared at the reflection of a man he doesn’t want to be.

And then he described the joy, the elation, the sense of victory, the feeling of great health, immense pride and for the first time ever, the liberating feeling of being in control that he felt as he closed his eyes and imagined himself effortlessly and comfortably gliding into those size 34’s.

And, with those feelings, he discovered his real reason for wanting to lose those pounds. He discovered what achieving his prize will really do for him.

And he told me he was going to hold those pants in front of the mirror every single day until the great day arrives when he puts them on.

And he told me that once he realized what his prize was, and how painful it felt not to have it, and how wonderful and empowering it will feel when he does have it, and how important it is to feel that way, that that became the pivotal moment in his life when he knew that great things w ere about to begin.

Interesting, don’t you think?

Let’s all follow him together and let’s all play a role in his success.

If you have any suggestions for Earl, let me know and I’ll pass them on.

Please join me on Earl’s team.

Till we read again.

P.S. More than 400 people have contacted me to say “I’m in” in response to last week’s blog. Thank you, that is a truly fantastic response.

So, if each of us now ask two others to do the same, by this time next week we will have well over one thousand people committed to seeking every opportunity for expressing our gratitude to, and our appreciation of, others.

Let’s do it.

It seems that for many of us avoidance is a default behavior that we frequently engage in, and in which we have developed world-class expertise.

I personally identified with many of the behaviors attributed to avoidance which helped me understand why the article had remained unread on my desk for several months.

The article went on to say that many of us suffer from an affliction known as “conflict aversion” which, loosely translated, means that when faced with potential conflict we experience levels of discomfort ranging from minor annoyance to near paralyzing anxiety, and that rather than addressing the issue at hand we choose to avoid it in the hope that it will go away.

Conflict was defined as anything that makes us uncomfortable or any time our goals and desires conflict with others.

Of course, all of this makes perfect sense, as we have spent much time over the past two years discussing the notion that our lives are spent in pursuit of gaining pleasure or avoiding pain and that these two criteria play front and center rules in almost all of the decisions we make and the corresponding actions we then take.

And so often just the thought of having to ”deal with” issues that have arisen poses the potential of making us feel uncomfortable and, as discomfort is a form of pain, we seek a strategy that will make the pain go away, and the way to make the pain go away, in this case, is not to “deal with the issue” but rather, to ignore it.

Our hope I’m doing this is, of course, that by ignoring it the pain of discomfort and the issue itself, will go away.

We humans are nothing if not persistent and while past experiences have repeatedly taught us that avoiding conflict may cause the pain of dealing with it to go away in the short term, the issue itself tends not to go away but rather it lurks in the background, frequently gaining momentum and growing in size from a molehill to a mountain and the short term pain we were able to avoid becomes a larger pain at some point in the future.

And if we not careful we will repeat this cycle over and over again, each time dealing with an ever growing issue and a larger block of pain.

But this is not the type of avoidance I wish to discuss today. This is a conscious form of avoidance that many of us deploy when faced with conflict but there is another kind of avoidance, perhaps even an unconscious kind of avoidance, that would, I believe, enhance all of our lives in beautiful and harmonious ways if we commit to consciously avoiding this type of avoidance from here on in.

Today is New Year’s Eve. This time last year I issued a challenge to all of you. The challenge was to shed critical judgment of others for an entire year and I encouraged those of you willing to undertake this challenge to contact me with the words “I’m in” and to report in periodically throughout the year.

In the first week following the posting of that challenge slightly more than 200 readers e-mailed me to say they were “in.” By the end of February that number had grown to just over 2000 and many of those have kept me apprised of their progress throughout the year.

Many have commented on the difficulties they faced in “losing” the habit of critical judgment of others and, indeed, have said how wide their eyes had been opened to the frequency with which they routinely engaged in this practice.

Personally, I would like to report that I have experienced 100% success in my pursuit of this objective, but I can’t. I am though, far more cognizant of that wonderful line all of our mothers supposedly taught us – you know the one I mean – the one that goes like this “if you have nothing good to say, then say nothing.”

So to introduce our challenge for 2012 please allow me to begin with a story.

A little over seven years ago my wife Gimalle and I moved to a new condo and on the evening of the first day in our new home, with unpacked moving boxes patiently waiting to be opened, we ordered a pizza from a nearby restaurant and walked across the street to pick it up.

To our delight the pizza was absolutely delicious and Gimalle took it upon itself to call the pizzeria and tell the owner how much we had enjoyed his pizza.

The conversation went something like this:

Pizzeria Guy. “Bob’s pizza, can I help you?”

Gimalle. “I just picked up a pizza from your restaurant a little while ago and…”

Pizza Guy. “What’s wrong with it?”

Gimalle. “Pardon me!”

Pizza Guy. “Is there something wrong with the pizza?”

Gimalle. “No, the pizza was wonderful. I was just calling to tell you how much we enjoyed it and to say thank you.”

Pizza Guy. “You’re kidding me?”

Gimalle. “No. What you mean?”

Pizza Guy. “The only time anyone ever calls me after they’ve picked up a pizza is if something is wrong with it. In 24 years this is the first time anyone has ever called me to tell me how good my pizza is, and I don’t know what to say.”

This may not be a verbatim transcript of the phone call but it is certainly very close to the conversation Gimalle had that evening.

And his response is a sad reflection of the truth.

In the same way that we have spent much time discussing our pursuit of pain avoidance and pleasure gain, we have also spent much time talking about how we only ever do one thing; we do what is important to us in the moment.

And sadly, for many of us, one of the things that is important for us to do is to express our dissatisfaction whenever our expectations are not met.

And so we complain when the pizza is cold.

Or when the delivery is late.

Or when the lineup is too long.

Or when we perceive the clerk to be rude.

Or when the boss asks us to stay late.

Or…

Or…

Or…

But what do we do when our expectations are met?

All too often we do nothing because nothing is needed to be done.

And this is the unconscious avoidance I was referring to earlier.

We don’t call the Pizza Guy and thank him for the delicious pizza because we expected a delicious pizza, received a delicious pizza and it is therefore not important enough for us to do so.

And we don’t tell the delivery guy come much we appreciate the effort that went into ensuring on-time delivery because we expected on-time delivery, received on-time delivery and it is therefore not important enough for us to do so.

And we don’t tell the bank teller how much we appreciate her effort to provide speedy service because we expected speedy service, received speedy service and it is therefore not important enough for us to do so.

And we don’t tell the sales clerk how much we appreciate the friendly and efficient service because we expected friendly and efficient service, received friendly and efficient service it is therefore not important enough for us to do so.

And we certainly don’t tell our boss what a great boss he is and how much we appreciate working for him because we expect him to be a great boss – which is typically defined as a boss whose every decision we agree with – and it is therefore not important enough for us to do so.

Yes, we avoid doing these things because they’re just not important enough.

So let’s make them important.

Let’s pledge to make 2012 the Year of Gratitude and Appreciation – the year where we seek out opportunities to acknowledge friends, colleagues and strangers for the good they are doing, the year in which we sincerely tell people how much we appreciate them and the year in which we constantly seek to “catch” others doing things right and then take a moment to thank and praise them.

A worthwhile mission, right?

If you think so, please e-mail me at rael@raelkalley.com  with those magic words “I’m in” and pass this along to your friends and encourage them to do the same.

Let’s set a goal of having 2,500 take this pledge with us.

And then let’s work really hard to achieve that goal.

Imagine a world in which our default behaviour is to willingly seek opportunities for expressing gratitude to, and appreciation of others

If we can achieve this, it will indeed be a

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Till we read again.

To assist my failing memory in recalling all that has occurred over these past twelve months I decided to consult a calendar. 

The calendar informed me that 2011 began, as most years seem to, on January 1.

Further research informed me that the first day of January has been officially declared a Federal Statutory Holiday which, here in Canada, means a day that has been deemed by our Federal Government to be a holiday for the general population.

And as this is a holiday for the general population, many among the general population use this opportunity to hail one another with a hearty greeting of “Happy New Year.”

Makes sense doesn’t it? It is a holiday, the government has agreed it is a holiday and the name of the holiday is New Year’s Day so why not wish each other a “Happy New Year?”

The calendar then informed me that the next federally sanctioned statutory holiday took place on Friday, April 22. This holiday was called Good Friday and as it was part of an occasion known as Easter, people wished each other “Happy Easter.”

Monday, May 23^rd was a holiday too.

Again, this day was declared to be a statutory holiday by the Feds and as its formal name was Victoria Day (named, I’m told, in honour of the founder of Victoria’s Secrets), we happily wished each other a “Happy Victoria Day.”

July 1 brought us Canada Day, deemed statutory too and we were all wished a “Happy Canada Day.”

In September, Labour Day (honouring new moms) brought cries of  “Happy Labour Day.” October caused the sounds of “Happy Thanksgiving” to resonate across our land and, most recently, we remembered our brave men and women who proudly donned uniforms and gave their lives so that we would be free to enjoy all these celebrations.

In their honour and with everlasting gratitude, we bestowed upon each other the blessing of “Happy Remembrance Day.”

Our good friends to our South share many of these days with us and throughout the year also wished each other “Happy Presidents Day,’ “Happy Memorial Day,” Happy Fourth of July,” Happy Veterans Day” and others.

They even wished each other a “Happy Labor Day” even though those Americans can’t spell.

Tomorrow we have another holiday.

This one too has been declared a statutory holiday by our federal government.

This one is celebrated coast to coast across our vast, magnificent country.

And by our friends to the South.

And in many countries all around the world.

By several billion people.

So naturally, in its honour and following long standing tradition, we wish one another a “Happy …. Holiday”.

Huh?

You see,  it appears that this one is governed by different rules.

It seems to meet all the criteria of the others.

It has been declared a federal holiday.

A statutory holiday.

A holiday for the general population.

But there is a difference.

We cannot call it by its real name.

We dare not greet folks with the words “Merry Christmas.”

They may be offended.

They may take exception to be wished a “Merry Christmas.”

I don’t get it.

The holiday we are celebrating tomorrow is called Christmas isn’t it?

It is a holiday.

It must be, after all the government said so.

And they would never lie to us, would they?

But we cannot acknowledge it as such.

We must wish people a “Happy Holiday.”

And make no mention of the word “Christmas.”

Perhaps we should call Christmas trees “Holiday Shiny Object Hanging Devices.”

 Well, I love Christmas.

 And I look forward to it every year.

 And I am not a Christian.

 But I love it anyway. And celebrate it heartily.

Not because of religious connotation but because, for me Christmas is a magical time of year to reconnect with friends and family in the spirit of love, fellowship, friendship and the sheer enjoyment of hanging out with people you really like.

Not to mention the guilt free eating.

I have shared my views with many of my friends – my Sikh friends, Hindu friends, Muslim friends, Jewish friends, my sole Buddhist friend and, naturally, my Christian friends – and have not had a dissenter in the group.

So if the politically correct terminology is to say “Happy Holiday” then I suggest we be consistent and spread this nonsense equally throughout the year.

New Years Day – “I wish you a Happy Holiday.”

Easter – “I wish you a Happy Holiday.”

Victoria Day – “I wish you a Happy Holiday.”

Canada Day – “I wish you a Happy Holiday.”

Labour Day – “I wish you a Happy Holiday.”

Thanksgiving – “I wish you a Happy Holiday.”

Remembrance Day – “I wish you a Happy Holiday.”

Ridiculous?

So at the risk of being hopelessly politically incorrect and offending millions, as a non Christian, to all who take the time to read my ramblings each week, I wish you all a very

MERRY CHRISTMAS

And hope each of you, regardless of your religious beliefs, enjoys the day as much as I know I will.

Till we read again.

He had spent most of his working life with the same company, rising to C.E.O., a position he has held for the past 7 years.

This was not the first discussion we have had about retirement.

He first broached the topic about three years ago and since then had raised it at least twice each year.

He has freely admitted that he is tired of the pressures of the job.

He has confessed to either no longer having the “fire in his belly” or that it had been downgraded from a raging inferno to a desolate flicker.

He has conceded that going to work has become a robotic experience that he endures daily, without a sense of engagement or connection.

Financially, he could have retired years ago.

And he really, really, really wants to do so now.

And pursue his many hobbies.

And travel the world with his wife.

And play golf.

And take up ballroom dancing.

And a cooking course.

And sit on a few Boards of Directors.

But he just can’t seem to make the decision.

And he finally told me why.

It seems he really enjoys being viewed as the C.E.O. of a high profile, very large and successful company.

And he relishes the recognition that goes along with it.

And the power.

And the media attention.

And the public recognition.

He explained it this way: right up until he leaves the office for the final time on his last day, he will be F.T., President of XX Co. and will have all of those things mentioned above and the moment after he leaves the building he will just be F.T.

And he isn’t sure if he is ready to just be F.T.

My friend has defined himself by his position and his whole identity has become inextricably linked to his title.

How unfortunate.

And so many of us are guilty of doing the same.

We wrap a huge part of who we are in a bundle with what we do as if they are woven together and the one has everything to do with the other.

Think of how we frequently describe, or even introduce, one friend to another.

“Bob, this is David, he’s a lawyer.”

“Brenda, I would like you to meet my friend Jan, she’s a realtor.”

“Pete, I think you should ask my friend Shannon out, she works for IBM.”

Why do we do that?

Why should David be defined by being a lawyer or Jan by being a realtor or Shannon by working for IBM?

And why has my friend connected being C.E.O. to who he is?

And what has this got to do with our sense of self?

You see, for my friend, having all the power and glory described above tells us a great deal about what he has.

And he has sadly confused what he has with defining what he is.

Which, in his case, is a wonderful father, dedicated husband, scintillating conversationalist, loyal friend, delightful host, caring and contributing member of the community, generous to a fault and so much more.

And long after he has been forgotten by those in the business world, he will still be all of the above.

And, ironically, little to none of the above is known about him to those who know him as C.E.O.

And with regard to David, Jan and Shannon, knowing they are respectively a lawyer, realtor and IBM employee, does that really give us any type of clue as to what they truly are?

Does it matter.

Will knowing what they do influence whether we want to meet them or not?

And, if so, why?

Is a lawyer a better person than a waiter?

Is an electrician a better person than a garbage collector?

Is a doctor a better person than a sales rep?

If we are to define people, is it not more important to define them by the size of their hearts and the character of their souls than by what they do for a living?

It is, isn’t it?

I thought so.

So please allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Rael.

I’m a wannabe writer.

How do you like me so far?

Till we read again.

My wife, Gimalle introduced me to her more than 14 years ago and shortly thereafter she took a leave of absence from her job as a police officer and worked with me on one of the most fun and enjoyable projects I have worked on in my entire career.

While we were working on this project she bravely bought a struggling business that provided a service she was very passionate about and has worked tirelessly to build it into an enormous success today.

But it is neither her business acumen nor the many successes she has experienced in her life that make her so very special.

Those accomplishments pale into insignificance when measured against the kindness of her heart and the gentleness of her soul.

She is one of those rare people who listened and learned when their mothers told them that if they have nothing good to say about a person then they should say nothing at all.

She is a true first responder.

Not the kind who shows up in a uniform with a gun or a hose or an ambulance but the kind who is always available to answer any calls for help.

She is one of those rare people who positively impacts everyone she meets.

She is always there to listen when listening is needed, to console when consoling is needed, to encourage when encouragement is needed and to just be there when just having present someone who cares is needed.

She frequently opens her home to others who have found themselves at crossroads in their lives and they are always welcome to stay as long as necessary.

She opens her wallet to many in need, freely and with no strings attached.

She quietly leaves bags filled with groceries at the doors of those she knows to be struggling.

 And perhaps most importantly, she always give her time to those who need time.

These are but a few of her many wonderful deeds.

And she quietly does all of this with no expectation of reward or recognition. No fanfare whatsoever. In fact, the only way to learn of her goods deeds is from others.

She is a person of deep faith who believes that service to others is the greatest work of all and that the way to make the world a better place is to make one person a happier person.

And then to do it again and again and again.

She is the truest of true friends – the kind who never judges harshly, looks for, and finds, the good in everyone, forgives all transgressions and does all in her power to help her many friends succeed.

She is one of those extraordinary people whose very presence brightens each room she enters and who leaves everyone she encounters in a better state than when she arrived.

She is a true teacher from whom I have learned many lessons that have helped me at different times and in different phases of my life.

And perhaps the most important lesson she has taught me is the lesson about what is really important in life.

It’s an invaluable lesson we all need to learn.

Her name is Deb deWaal and I am indeed both blessed an honoured to have her as a friend.

I can only hope that in my lifetime I can aspire to become half as good a person as she is.

By the way, her husband David is a pretty remarkable guy too.

Tough cop on the outside, marshmallow on the inside.

A fabulous couple.

May we all be blessed with friends like them.

Till we read again.

P.S. A few weeks ago I was asked by a reader to write a blog on a particular topic. I was able to do that and really enjoyed the challenge. If you have a topic you would like me to write about please email me at rael@raelkalley.com and I will do my best to accommodate your request.

P.P.S. Last week I offered a free copy of my book Life Sinks or Soars – the Choice is Yours to the first 25 people who emailed their mailing address to me. Apparently arithmetic is not my strong suit as 187 books were mailed from my office this week.

Do we really need them?

I read an article recently that suggested we make an average of five thousand decisions every single day.

Decisions like:

Changing channels.

Turning the volume up/down.

What to eat.

What to wear.

When to proceed through the intersection.

When to’ give the @$$(*&^ who cut you off in traffic the finger.

Should we have that piece of chocolate cake?

And thousands more.

If the article was correct it tells us that we have all become experts in the art of decision making.

So why is it that every now and then, having mastered the art by making hundreds of thousands of decisions, we find ourselves either agonizing over making one, or deeply mired in regret for having made one?

I think it’s helpful to visit the decision making process and place some perspective around how we go about doing this.

We have spent much time discussing how we only ever do one thing – we do what’s important to us in the moment.

And we have talked about how we determine importance, how we do what we do for one of two reasons; we do what we do in order to gain pleasure or to avoid pain.

And we have chatted about the “fact” that we will frequently work harder to avoid pain than we will to gain pleasure and that we  frequently make choices – which is an euphemism for decisions – based not on pain versus pleasure but rather on more  pain versus less pain.

In other words we frequently choose/decide to do something or not to do something because doing it/not doing it is the less/least painful choice.

Of course, not all decisions are equal. Every decision we make produces a consequence and the consequences of choosing between a cheese burger and a bacon burger are probably significantly less important and long lasting than the consequences of choosing which house to buy or career path to follow.

And while the consequences may vary the process by which we make decisions there seems to be one process we repeat anew with each fresh decision.

I think it goes something like this:

1. We become consciously aware of the status quo.

- the light has turned green;

- my job is not giving me everything I want;

- maybe it’s time to move.

2. We begin gathering information:

-It’s safe/unsafe to enter the intersection;

- I’ll start looking around for a new job;

- what homes are available out there.

3. We gather more information.

4. We go through the “Should I/Shouldn’t I” and the “What if” phases.

5. We make the decision and pray it’s the right one.

Naturally, that is a gross over simplification of what we do in order to make a decision but the general process is as described above.

And then the consequences of the decision begin.

And we sometimes have serious doubts about the correctness of our decision.

Or that dreaded thing called “Buyer’s Remorse” rears its ugly head.

And we are filled with regret.

And we wish we could turn the clock back.

And we have sleepless nights.

And we get really, really mad at ourselves.

And, of course, sometimes the decisions were indeed wrong decisions.

Or poor ones.

Or outright stupid ones.

So what to do.

Well, another topic we have discussed at length over our past 121 visits is this:

There is absolutely no bridge connecting experiences in our lives with how we are impacted by those experiences.

They are two separate events.

There are the events:

            We choose and eat the cheeseburger.

            We turn down the job offer.

            We buy a new house.

And then there are the impacts of those events:

            We are mad at ourselves for not having a salad:

            We regret turning down the opportunity.

           We wish we had waited a little longer because our dream home came on the  market two days after we moved into this one.

And, in each case, we believe that the impact we feel has been caused by the choices/decisions we made and the actions we took.

We think they are inextricably connected.

THEY AREN’T.

There is no connection.

Other than the connection we CHOOSE to place upon them.

Every experience in our lives has only the meaning we choose to place upon it.

And if we change the meaning of that experience, the impact will instantly change with it.

BUT, what if it really was the wrong decision?

Many of you are going to hate this next sentence but it is one of my favourites.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

This doesn’t mean you have to like it.

It doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

It doesn’t mean you can’t change it.

It means it is the reality of the situation you have.

Loving it or hating doesn’t change the situation at all.

The situation is the situation.

And if the decision that put you in the situation was not the best you have ever made then that is simply a reminder to embrace the greatest gift you were ever given.

Your magnificent power of choice.

And evaluate all your choices.

Review each and every possible alternative.

Select those you believe to be best for you.

Take action.

And if all this navel gazing results in the realization that you may have to live with your “wrong” decision then do one more thing.

Look at your present circumstance.

 Say these magic words: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

And make one more decision.

Choose to place the most positive, joyful, delightful meaning possible on this circumstance.

Every day.

Because the circumstance is the circumstance.

It won’t be affected by either your happiness or your misery.

But you will be.

Till we read again.

P.S. As a Xmas gift to my loyal readers I am giving away 25 copies of my book Life Sinks or Soars – the Choice is Yours to the first 25 people who Email their mailing address to me. If you would like additional copies please click here and Self Connection will ship as many to you as you want or you can order directly by contacting me at rael@raelkalley.com.

1. She was too young.

2. She had no business experience.

3. She didn’t have the appropriate education.

4. She couldn’t compete with the established players.

5. She didn’t know if she would be able to get clients.

6. She didn’t know if she could do a good job.

7. She didn’t have any marketing material.

8. She didn’t have any satisfied customers who could refer her to others or provide her with glowing testimonials.

She thought that if she waited five more years she would be ready.

So I asked her to go through the list one more time so that we could see what a profound difference waiting five more years would make.

We reviewed the list and concluded that by waiting five more years:

1. She will be five years less young.

2. She will still have no business experience.

3. She still may not have the appropriate education.

4. She will be competing with established players who now had five additional years of competitive experience.

5. She still won’t know if she would be able to get clients.

6. She still won’t have any hard evidence to prove that she could do a good job.

7. She may have developed some marketing material.

8. She still won’t have any satisfied customers who could refer her to others or provide her with glowing testimonials.

So I asked her to go through the list one more time so that we could see what her world might look like in five years if she took the plunge and dived in right now.

We reviewed the list and concluded that by waiting five more years:

1. She will be the age she is going to be five years from now.

2. She will have five years of business experience.

3. She will have greater clarity around what type of further education would best suit her needs.

4. She will have learned how to compete for business.

5. She will have successfully acquired some clients.

6. She will have hard evidence to prove that she can do a good job.

7. She will have developed some marketing material, or found some other method of getting her story out.

8. She will have satisfied customers who could refer her to others or provide her with glowing testimonials.

So we talked further about the benefits of putting off pursuing our dreams until the time is right.

And we reached a sad conclusion.

There is never a right time.

There are always plenty of good reasons to wait a little longer.

Until everything is in place.

Until we have the right education.

Until we have the right experience.

Until we have the right resources.

Until we have the right economy.

Until we have the right market.

Until everything is in place to absolutely, unequivocally and unconditionally guaranty our success.

And that time will never come, which means it’s going to be a very, very long wait.

There is something inherently wrong in waiting until everything is right.

It’s the wrong attitude.

And so many of us have been guilty of doing this.

Of letting our dreams die because we convinced ourselves of the need to wait before pursuing those dreams.

We waited because we convinced ourselves that what we believed we didn’t have would prevent us from achieving what we really want.

And it’s possible we may have been right.

It’s equally possible we may have been wrong.

It’s entirely possible that the reason we didn’t realize our dream was not because we lacked something but because we didn’t even try – because the time was never right.

And personally I think the pain of failure, as deep as it can be, is never, ever as painful as the pain of not knowing what might have been.

If only we had tried.

By trying, we may indeed fail – or perhaps we may  learn what won’t work and thereby be better prepared for our next attempt.

On the other hand, not trying ensures that there is no possibility of success.

A wise teacher once taught me that the best way to learn something is to go out and teach it.

Now.

Not wait until you have mastered it.

Because teaching it is the fastest pathway to mastering it.

A clever metaphor, don’t you think?

Till we read again.

P.S. My good friends  at Self Connection are holding the price of my book Life Sinks or Soars – the Choice is Yours at $9.99 through the Xmas season.

Click here and they will gladly ship out as many copies as you like. You can also order directly through me at rael@raelkalley.com