Posted by: Rael Kalley | February 20, 2010

29. There’s so much I just don’t get.

There was an awful lot of activity going on in the world this week. A great deal for us to focus on. 

The winter Olympics in Vancouver.

The war in Afghanistan.

The economy.

The war in Iraq.

Famine in Africa.

Haiti.

Barack Obama establishing a new world record. Apparently, according to Fox News, he has been going downhill faster that any Olympian in history. 

But all of that was shoved aside yesterday morning. An event of far greater importance to the world took place. 

Tiger spoke. 

“The most watched 15 minutes of morning TV in history,” was how one talking head breathlessly described this epic moment in time, all the while ensuring that her viewers were dazzled by her $100,000 sparkling white crowns.

“Hero dethroned,” screamed another.

Hero?

I must have the IQ of a plant because I just don’t get it. 

To my understanding Tiger Woods is a guy who does one thing really well. It seems he is very good at hitting a ball with a stick and, because the world idolizes good stick holding ball hitters, he has had Midas-like wealth and God-like status bestowed upon him.

Did I mention I don’t get it? 

Now apparently in between hitting balls with sticks Tiger discovered that he also had a talent for boinking multiple women and forgetting to mention this to his wife.

He also forgot to tell these hordes not to text him when he’s at home watching TV with his wife.

And, to really illustrate how poor his memory really is, he forgot to take his cell phone with him when he went potty.

So his wife read the texts and she went dotty.

So Tiger decided to go for a drive until things cooled down. 

And to help cool things down faster he drove up a tree. 

And the world media looked up to heaven and said “thank you.”

And for weeks all they wrote about and talked about was Tiger. 

And every lawyer, doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, counsellor, therapist, sexologist, priest, pastor, imam, rabbi, monk, cheating celebrity husband, cheated on celebrity wife in the world as well as Bill and Hillary went on CNN and FOX to provide us with valuable insights into Tigers psyche and the sexual histories of his concubines. 

I was particularly moved when I watched one member of the harem tearfully explain to a starry-eyed anchor how devastated she was when the story broke and she learned that Tiger had been cheating on her.

Yikes. I guess its true; you can fix most things but you can’t fix stupid.

For several weeks following the Cadillac vs tree incident (the tree won) we were forced to suffer through many sleepless nights while the media inundated us with a barrage of gut wrenching questions like:

Will Tiger’s wife divorce him?

Will he lose his sponsorships?

Will he still hit balls with sticks?

What if his wife confiscates his sticks?

What if she cuts off his balls?

And then finally, thankfully, we were told that Tiger had entered a rehab facility to get treatment for his texting addiction and for a while all was quiet.

No more Tiger.

Other news was reported.

Larry King actually had a guest on his show with a functioning brain.

The world was back to normal.

Yes. 

Until this week.

And Tiger came down from the mountaintop rehab facility.

And he spake unto the attending masses. 

And the world stopped to listen. 

And Larry King reverted to his previous guest list.

And I still don’t get it.

There are three things I don’t get.

Number One.

Tiger Woods is known for hitting a ball with a stick. I’m told he does this rather well. But that’s it. That’s what he does. So why the uproar and relentless projectile vomiting from the media of the same nauseating stuff for week after week?

I’m not commenting on the morality of his actions. That’s none of my business. Nor anyone else’s for that matter. I have an opinion which I shall keep to myself.

When, as we have seen several times in the past few years, politicians who publicly blabber on from their pulpits about morality, family values, monogamy and ethics, get caught using certain body parts to do things with certain people they shouldn’t be doing these things with, then their hypocrisy is indeed newsworthy and we should care and we should vote them out of office if they lack the shame to resign.

But Tiger Woods is a guy who hits balls with sticks. Period.

Maybe that’s what his wife should do to him. But that’s her business.

Number Two:

Did I mention that Tiger Woods is a guy who is very good at hitting balls with sticks? That’s what he does exceptionally well. 

So why should his skill of hitting balls with sticks have any influence over what kind of car I buy, what kind of razor I  use to cut myself with in the mornings, which consultants I should hire or what I should drink? I don‘t get it.

If I was a golfer and he was the pitchman for a brand of clubs that I knew he used, his credibility would be enormous in influencing my club buying decisions. But cars? As we’ve seen he probably shouldn’t even have a license. Razors? Consultants?

I don’t get the whole celebrity endorsement thing at all.

Number Three:

Hero?

Sports heroes? Olympic heroes? Wrestling heroes?

Have we gone nuts?

These people are not heroes. They are highly trained, extraordinarily talented athletes who excel at their jobs. They provide us with excitement and pride and entertain us year round.

But they are not heroes.

Let’s never lose sight of who our real heroes are. They are:

 The ten year old who selflessly donates his allowance and toys so that other children, who have nothing, can have a little taste of childhood.

 The wonderful people who leave the safety and security of their own lives to visit, at their own expense, impoverished countries and spend weeks and months in deplorable conditions teaching basic hygiene and life skills to young families with sick and dying children. 

The young soldier in Afghanistan who goes out on patrol knowing that the next step he takes might be his last. And he does this day after day.

The police officer who swallows her fear and goes down the stairs into your basement to investigate the noises you heard because you are convinced those noises are coming from someone other than the boogey-man.

Our firefighters who put their own lives at risk to rescue us from burning buildings.

Our EMS personnel whose only mission is to help those in distress and are now forced to wear protective vests for their own safety.

People who act when they are terrified, put the needs of others ahead of their own fears and often do extraordinary deeds to help people they’ve never met.

There is nothing heroic about hitting balls with sticks.

Oh, and one more. Heroes are people who toil away, day after day, enduring enormous sacrifice to write weekly blogs knowing that should they fail to do so, untold millions of lives would be left empty and pining.

Till we read again.


Responses

  1. I dont get it either. If we were to take all the money,effort and time given to sports and dedicated it to truely deserving causes, where would we be?

  2. Yep. The deeds of heroes are often very mundane.


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